So juiced.

Paleontologists are reporting some big news–literally. They say they’ve identified an extinct turtle that was the size of a Smart car, with a shell big enough to hold a kiddie pool. Fossilized remains of the titanic turtle, dubbed Carbonemys cofrinii, were found in 2005 in a mine in northern Colombia, according to a written statement released in conjunction with the report.

The turtle is believed to have lived 60 million years ago, about five million years after the dinosaurs vanished. Its skull is about the size of a football and its shell measures 5’7″ (1.7 meters). And it wasn’t the only gigantic reptile in the area at the time. According to researchers, it lived alongside Titanoboa cerrejonensis with a length estimated at 45 feet (13.7 meters) is the largest snake ever recorded.

Those are some big critters. But if you think Carbonemys was the biggest turtle that ever lived, think again. According to the website of the National Museum of Wales, the largest turtle on record measured almost nine feet (2.7 meters) in length and weighed 2,016 pounds (914 kilograms). That beast, which washed ashore in 1988, is believed to have been about 100 years old when it died.

What do big monsters like that eat? As for Carbonemys confrinii, its massive maw suggests that ate just about anything it wanted–from mollusks to smaller turtles or even crocodiles.

No, that’s not a joke. Retail: $149. It’s a holster that’s built into a pair of shitty pleated blue jeans. I assume the zippered compartment is a convenient place to stow your sense of pride and self-esteem.

Seriously, this is hilarious:

There’s a new entrant in the burgeoning concealed-weapon fashion industry. American Tactical Apparel, out of Houston, Texas, makes clothing for “professional door kickers, special responders, and everyday superheroes.”

The brainchild of Brian Hoffner, a long-time Houston police officer and self-described “kind of a renaissance man,” ATA offers Demin pants, khaki pants, and khaki shorts, all made with zippers for easy access to the company’s custom covert thigh holster.

“There is NO BETTER WAY to secretly carry your pistol and equipment,” the company says on its website. “These pants are engineered for battle, and for everyday operating. For warriors, by warriors.”

Garments “engineered for battle” are typically worn by trained service people operating in places like Afghanistan, not by impotent soccer-dads operating in the frozen food aisle.

Warriors my ass. People who feel like they have to have a gun on them at all times would wet themselves if they were ever confronted by something that could actually shoot back at them.

“I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.”

– President Barack Obama

Whether you believe this decision to be politically motivated or not doesn’t really matter — the bottom line is that it’s historic, it carries significant risk for any sitting president up for reelection, and it affirms in no uncertain terms President Obama’s commitment to gay rights in this country.

Yesterday’s blow struck against both basic civil rights and the march of progress by the scared-shitless yokels of North Carolina means nearly nothing in the long run. As I’ve said many times here — freedom expands. The arc of history bends toward justice. And no matter how many asinine laws are passed out of ignorance and prejudice, the genie is already out of the bottle and gay marriage will become a reality throughout the nation eventually.

It’s only a matter of time — and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.

Supermoon Saturday has arrived — now get ready to look up for some super skywatching.

The full moon at 11:34 p.m. EDT Saturday will appear 14 percent bigger and 30 percent brighter than normal as it reaches perigee, its closest approach to Earth, a distance of 221,802 miles (356,955 kilometers) away. The moon then will line up with the sun just one minute later.

In fact, this month’s perigee is the closest of any perigee in 2012 (they vary by about 3 percent, because the moon’s orbit is not perfectly circular). The result will be a 16 percent brighter-than-average full moon accompanied by unusually high and low tides this weekend and into next week.

In contrast, later this year, on Nov. 28, the full moon will closely coincide with apogee, the moon’s farthest point from Earth.

For the best view, scientists recommend catching a glimpse of the supermoon at moonrise or moonset when it’s on the horizon.

If you try to argue with the fact that the Beastie Boys changed the face of hip-hop, that they’ve been pioneers, a group always years ahead of their time and that Adam “MCA” Yauch was a vital part of that brilliance and ingenuity, there’s something very wrong with you.

Thank you for everything, MCA — you will be sorely missed, man.

Rolling Stone: Beastie Boys’ Adam Yauch Dead at 48/5.4.12

“So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he is four years old and instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, ‘Man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch, because that is what boys do,’ you get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it and the next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.

Can I make it any clearer? Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok? You are not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you are going to be a male. And when your daughter starts acting too Butch you reign her in. And you say, ‘Oh, no, sweetheart. You can play sports. Play them to the glory of God. But sometimes you are going to act like a girl and walk like a girl and talk like a girl and smell like a girl and that means you are going to be beautiful. You are going to be attractive. You are going to dress yourself up.’

You say, ‘Can I take charge like that as a parent?’

Yeah, you can. You are authorized. I just gave you a special dispensation this morning to do that.”

So, yeah, beat your gay or gay-acting kid. It’s not child abuse — it’s God’s will.

You know something? Let me make something clear. If you happen to live in Fayetteville, North Carolina and you pass Pastor Sean Harris on the street, just walk on over and punch him in his fucking mouth. You say, “Can I take charge like that as a decent human being and somebody who believes in defending the rights of the innocent against intolerant, Bible-thumping cunts?” Yeah, you can. I just gave you a special dispensation.

Incidentally, Pastor Sean is now “retracting” his comments, saying they were a joke. Uh-huh. Fuck you, pal.

His fine: $8,000.

So to recap, Senator Rubio received over $210,000 in “impermissible contributions” and only had to pay an $8,000 fine, equivalent to 3.8% of the total.

I’m sure he’s learned his lesson.

…“more than $90 million per year.” “Not only would the state net about $3.6 million in sales and lodging tax revenue, but over three years wedding-related businesses could see as much as $21 million per year from same-sex couples living in Maryland and another $73 million from couples traveling from out-of-state to get married,”

Not that it matters to fearmongers and religious zealots, but yeah. Duh. Happier people means a healthier economy.