The Maroon 5 of Super Bowls

Demonstrating once again that we are indeed in the worst timeline, The New England Patriots defeated the Los Angeles Rams in a 13-3 snoozefest to win Super Bowl LIII. It was the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in history, the longest play was a punt, there just one red zone possession all game, and to add insult to injury, Maroon 5 played the halftime show.

Despite the low score, the game did look like it could have been a decent defensive struggle during the first two quarters. It seemed at first that each team’s defenses were being stout and making good stops, but as the first half started coming to a close, it was clear that both offenses were just very dull.

Then the halftime show happened…I think?

Marron 5, the perfect embodiment of what old corporate suits think “the kids” like, led a disjointed fiasco of a halftime show in which the only highlight was a tribute to Stephen Hillenburg, the creator of SpongeBob SquarePants who passed away in November.

After the halftime show came to a sudden end, the Patriots and the Rams decided they might as well finish the rest of the game. The score remained stuck at 3-3 until the Patriots managed to put a drive together long enough score the only touchdown of the game.

The Rams attempted to rally, threatening to put a drive of their own together until Jared Goff threw a dud of a pass that was intercepted at the Patriot’s 4-yard-line. Essentially sealing the deal.

The Patriots winning their 6th Super Bowl title, especially in this manner, was like seeing the spoiled rich kid get the girl at the end of a 90s teen movie. On the bright side; at least it was mercifully short.